Attack of the Killer Buffet

Today a buffet table almost killed me. Oh yes, you may think that your furniture is indifferent to your existence, but this buffet of mine had murder in its heart. All I wanted was a surface to put my microwave on and free up counter space, and some nice pantry space below. All it wanted was for me to die.

I speak of a Leksvik Ikea buffet. Spawn of Satan. I recommend crossing yourself after looking at the picture, if you dare.

At first I thought this buffet simply wanted to hassle me. Last night I brought it home, opened the box, and discovered that two parts had been damaged during shipment. They had small gouges and cracks in their finish. Since I'd spent $179 plus tax on the thing, and shopped around for other flatpack self-assemble furniture I'd decided was poorer quality, I felt entitled to have a piece of furniture that at least started out in good condition. I found out that IKEA didn't agree.

I called the store this morning 15 minutes after they opened and spent 15 minutes on hold. Finally a kind voice told me I could bring in the two damaged pieces for a replacement. Great. I drove to Bolingbrook and was helped almost immediately. After poking around a while and not finding any spare parts in their IKEA junkyard room, a nice lady ordered up a brand spanking new buffet from the warehouse. When it came we opened it together. Damaged. Again.

The funny part about that is the lady helping me seemed to think I should be fine with that. Uh, no. The feet were damaged. I was sure that my beautiful buffet would be a rocker. So she acquiesed to ordering up yet another brand new buffet. But after that, sorry, extremely picky and unreasonable lady. So we waited. Another flat-packed buffet arrived and we pulled out the pieces. You guessed it. Again. And worse. This one had a strip of wood peeling off.

I had to pick the best of the brutes.** I chose the rocker set, because upon standing them up I discovered that the feet were only damaged on the inside part, so there were just enough level millimeters on the outside to keep her steady. The others with their rough edges and pieces of veneer falling off would be bait for Rascal to start chewing to heck. As you can see, I had nothing but the best of intentions for my new buffet.

While I was engaged in this tragic comedy, the not-yet-built buffet was no doubt chanting satanic spells and doing black magic dances around my apartment. Because when I finally got out of the store it had started to snow.

I had heard about the wintry mix storm they were predicting. But it wasn't supposed to happen until afternoon! I checked my watch. Oh. It was afternoon. I climbed into my car and made for 355. They would of course clear and salt the highways first, making it the safest way to attempt to get home.

Everything seemed ok, snow hadn't accumulated much, it was just blowing about. But as I drove north it gradually worsened. Cars in front of me were braking, probably to make room for people getting on the highway. I slowed down. This was when the buffet's chanting was no doubt coming to a head.

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see the SUV next to me moving erratically. I realize that he has lost control and is skidding and swerving. Suddenly I am skidding too! I'm not sure what brought it on, but I think it was that I was pumping my brakes for the people in front of me and then suddenly got on the accelerator trying to get away from the SUV, and we'd both probably hit the same slick. I pumped my brakes and all of a sudden my car skidded hard to the right and I was practically thrown onto the shoulder. While I have never been able to figure out what to do in a skid situation (what in the world does "steer into a skid" mean anyway?), instinct took over. I immediately let up on the brake and recovered control. I was all straightened out. Behind me I saw that the SUV had skidded into my lane. He was still spinning too. He spun completely around to face oncoming traffic. Thank God no one was there. He regained control and ended up on the inside shoulder, facing the wrong way.

In all seriousness, that moment where I was thrown to the side, I can't help shake the feeling that it was a divine push. If I had stayed in my lane, my car would've been eaten by that SUV.

The buffet sent from Hell had lost. Back in Wheaton, the screws and cam locks fell to the floor, exhausted of their incantation. I went a max of 35 mph all the way home. I got to see another car skid halfway up the embankment. No one was harmed. It all happened in the same stretch. I'd never seen anything like it before. Cars skidding about on the other side of the highway, too. It was like driving in an ice skating rink. You never knew whose butt was going to hit the ground, and if you were unlucky it might happen right in front of you.

When I got home, I faced that buffet. I conquered it. As one last slap, at the very end as I tried to assemble the drawer, I discovered that they had packed two left-side pieces for the drawer. Not wanting to face the woman who thought I was unreasonable, or risk certain death on the road or defeat from the heap of wood before me, I drilled some new holes in that drawer piece and made it work anyway.

Let me just say that my new buffet looks awesome. But I can't help but think it also looks a bit ... defeated?

**I did ask for a partial refund for this not-perfect piece, and I was refused because it was "obviously a manufacturer's defect" and not IKEA's fault. I can see how this would be logical, since it is the manufacturer's fault that they sell their furniture through IKEA. They must know that IKEA likes to drop it and then let their customers discover the problem once they get it home and then tell them that those gouges and dents are part of the piece's "charm". Silly manufacturer. Interesting that we found 3 wrecked buffets, and yet I'm certain they aren't going to take the others off the shelf. Leave them for the next sucker.